Jeff Schmidt is a longtime friend/sometimes collaborator (at least musically) of EIC Jonathan Sullivan. When not writing reviews for uneccessary remakes, he is making short films with his friends, making music, having sex with a bevy of beautiful women, and rubbing the last part in Jon's face. He also happens to be one of the biggest zombie nerds on Earth, so feel his heart break as the review goes on.

If you like or hate what you read, email Jeff at
JeffalineTrio@yahoo.com

And if you want to know what Jeff and Jon did in a past life, check out their old band Insidious on MySpace.
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Starring: Nick Cannon, Mena Suvari
Writer: Jeffrey Reddick
Director: Steve Miner

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD FOR A MOVIE NO ONE SHOULD EVER WATCH!

I remember when I heard that they were re-making "Dawn of the Dead" and for some reason, I was excited. I saw it, and was very, very let down, so it goes without saying that I was very wary of the remake of "Day of the Dead." Then, I read that it starred Nick Cannon and Mena Suvari. All hopes of this film being acceptable were just beaten down with a rusty mallet and left to die in a gutter in Jersey City. That being said, I watched it anyways. 

The film starts the way any self-disrespecting horror movie starts out. Teenagers hooking up in an abandoned building by candle light listening to god awful "hip" music. Then it cuts to a military road block in the Rockies, where we get some minor plot development. Something wicked that way was, or something. The government was claiming it to be a flu outbreak, but if we've learned anything from movies, it's to not trust what you're being told by the government when the shit hit's the fan. Cut back and forth between military and the make out kids, as one of them gets a nosebleed, and trying not to waste his teenaged hard-on, offers his date money for sex. Pivotal to the plot? No. Did I giggle a bit? No. IS the nosebleed foreshadowing later portions of the movie? YES! 

So after a few, we find out some more interesting bits of information. The boy who didn't proposition his bled-on girlfriend (who, by the way, gets mauled in the woods by a "zombie" after she decided to walk home instead of being a prostitute) is, in fact, the sister of the local army girl, played by Mena Suvari, and guess what? Their mom has the "flu" like everyone else! So now the brother, the sister, the girlfriend and "Bud" (a private from the communications branch of the Army who has a huge boner for Mena Suvari) meet our good friend Ving Rhames and Nick Cannon at the hospital, which is literally filled with "flu victims" and is conveniently understaffed.  

Mr. Rhames tells Mena Suvari that a doctor from the CDC needs to talk to her about some bodies she saw (a scene I forgot to mention because frankly, it was so pointless I forgot about it) and at this point, all of our main characters are spread out through the hospital. Remember that shit I mentioned? Well, it just made good friends with the fan, and everyone with this "flu" turns at exactly the same time. This begins my rant on quite definitely the WORST part of the whole movie, the hospital escape. 

First off, when I called these things "Zombies" I used quotation marks for a reason. Now, I understand that Fast Zombies are the new Slow Zombies, Slow Zombies are the new Vampires and Vampires are now Rock Stars, but these creatures are BARELY zombies, even in the Fast Zombie category. When they turn, they don't have a "freshly dead" period. They, instead, come equipped with "Insta-Rot" which they show a few, useless, times throughout the movie, where the eyes white over, the skin pales, cappilaries burst and of course, the flesh rots and breaks and what have you. All within a matter of literal seconds.  

Oh, they rot really quick? That's stupid. Look they run! Here they are coming down the hallway and they're about to... wait... Peter Parker? You were in Colorado during this outbreak? No? Then why the FUCK can these "zombies" RUN ON THE CEILINGS AND JUMP UP AT LEAST TWO STORIES? Yes, they do both of those things, more than once during the movie. 

So Ving Rhames dies (shocker, he's black and in a bad horror movie. We all know how that works) and sis, Bud and Doc lock themselves in a room, use the air vents (original) to get the keys from dead Ving, find Mr. Wild N' Out himself hiding in the closet, get back into the vents as Ving resurrects and goes after them. Oh, did I mention he has no legs and jumps up to the ceiling to chase them through the ducts? 

Now this scene is possibly the scariest scene in the whole movie. The make up job they did on Ving Rhames is well executed, and the tight air duct gives a very claustrophobic feel to the scene. Eventually, "zombie" Ving gets stopped, and they escape back to their supply closet, where they make molotov cocktails and Nick makes a spear using a crutch, surgical saw and some gauze. I think in this scene the director just told Nick to make a weapon on the fly, and they just went with it. Bud breaks a window with a chair, they escape to the parking lot and Doc disappears with his SUV. Oh, and Molotov cocktail + "zombies" = exploding heads. Like big brain filled rotting zits.  

So Bud gets bitten, hogtied into the back of the military hummer they steal with Ving Rhames' keys, and Nick/Mena go to a gun store, hear the brother broadcasting from the in town radio station, and they rush to his aid, where only bro and girlfriend survive, along with Nick and Mena. They drive away, while the director clearly tried to add some dramatic elements with slow violins as Mena Suvari refuses to hit "zombies" in the Hummer because "they're still people too" or some bullshit. FAIL! 

They conveniently remember a beaten fire road that leads out of town that the military ignored, crash their hummer, and find themselves that the abandoned missile silo that the KIDS WERE MAKING OUT IN AT THE BEGINNING! HOLY CRAP! Oh, and Bud is now a semi-trained bound "zombie" who obeys orders and has a crush on Mena Suvari, which is a great nod to the original, but is pretty much the ONLY nod to the original. "Zombie" chase, return of Peter Parker "zombie" and they stumble upon a hidden, stark white and pale blue facility hidden behind the walls of the silo! You can tell it's something medical, and if you're smart, can tell it's where the "zombie" virus comes from, without anyone having to tell you. Who's in this compound? Why it's Doc, from the CDC! Who'd a thunk he'd be there, and responsible!? I did. The instant I saw the glow from the "hidden door" in the background, the rest of the movie had finished itself in my head. 

Introduce super "zombie" who's faster, smarter and has clearly watched all four "Alien" movies cuz he LOVES to pop down from vents and suck people back up into them so he can eat them. Really, he's introduced way too late, and sounds like a T-Rex, but doesn't look any different from the other "zombies" except he has a lab coat! They split up, Nick Cannon dies, regroup, figure out they need to corral all the "zombies" and make a giant flamethrower, and they win. Yay! One last "zombie" pop up to scare you in the end. 

All in all, as many bad things as I have to say about it, I did, somewhat, enjoy it. I really didn't think I would, but if you just relax and let yourself, it's not un-watchable. The acting wasn't that bad, given that you have Ving Rhames and Mena Suvari who are both alright. Nick Cannon's portrayal of the wise-crackin' gangsta is laughable through most of the movie, but doesn't destroy the thing. So if you're like me, and your friend gives you her Netflix log-in information, and you have a dull boring Sunday night, and have already watched Jeff Dunham and Dead and Breakfast, give this a shot. If you pretend it's not supposed to be a zombie movie, you might enjoy yourself.

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