Writer: Dan Ludwig from Reasons I'm Not Allowed to Babysit

Warning: Contains Spoilers and tons of 4 letter words!
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You may not have heard about it, but the French recently won cinema. Yup, we had a good run, but it’s time to pack up our shit, call it a day, and give whatever the French equivalent to Hollywood is all of the money. Because while we were working our asses off trying to make good movies, the French were biding their time, concentrating their entire creative landscape around creating Immortel, a film so retarded that it makes Sarah Palin’s kid look like a neurosurgeon.  This film is so stupid, so balls out crazy, so goddamn full of itself, that it’s singlehandedly more beautiful than every Oscar winning film we’ve churned out in the last decade combined. It turns stupid into an art form, albeit one that you wouldn’t really pay a lot of money to hang up in your house. This movie takes the definition of a movie so bad that it becomes awesome, slaps a wig on it, and makes it its’ bitch.

For a good reference of this film that director Enki Bilal (Jesus, is it even legal to name your kid something like that?) has proudly shit into our DVD  players, you should understand French cinema. When they’re not making black and white short films about depressed clowns smoking ciggeretes, the French like their movies trippy and horrifying. I’m talking about stuff that makes Charlie Kaufman films look like romantic comedies. They film things like City of Lost Children. If you really want to understand Immortel, just picture City of Lost Children, and then rip out your fucking brainstem and replace it with a solid block of every hallucinogen known to man, because Immortel does not give a fuck.

As I said before, the film is balls out crazy. At one point, an eagle murders a hammerhead shark man with heat vision to save a woman with electric nipples. It just took me thirty seven minutes to type that sentence because I kept having to clean the semen off my keyboard. And don’t think that the scene makes any more sense in context because motherfucker, it makes even less sense in context. This movie takes sense and skullfucks the shit out of it. I would recommend seeing it high, but I don’t want to be held responsible when potheads (all four that will read this) rip out their own brains in sheer confusion. I actually had to watch it three times just to make sure I wasn’t having some sort of stroke.

This is a movie with the philosophy that every scene can be improved by the addition of laser eagles, and if it already has laser eagles then it needs more laser eagles, and you’re an idiot for not already adding a demon shark. This director looks at every moment of his films and asks how he can fit lighting into it, and god help the poor coffee boy who tells him that he’s wandered onto the set of Spiderman 2 and Aunt May doesn’t shoot lighting out of her hands because Enki Bilal will lightning the shit out of him, because physics does not apply to this man.

First of all, the plot is like having a 12 year old explain Blade Runner to you while he’s tripping balls on LSD. It takes place in a vaguely 1984-ish totalitarian future where corporations control everything and genetic modification has become the norm- you know, the fresh original setting that every Sci-Fi movie ever takes place in. Oh yeah, and there’s also a giant pyramid floating over the city. Like, a big, ancient pyramid hovering away in central park. It can’t be very important though, because nobody really seems to give crap. Seriously , if the ancient Egyptians parked one of their monuments over my goddamn city, I think I would fire a few missiles at it, or at least write it a ticket for being double parked.

So Horus comes down from the Pyramid, and I shit you not, the film centers around him trying to get laid. He just sort of wanders around the city trying get somebody pregnant, then possess the body of some Russian dude and starts raping a lady with blue hair. If any of that made sense to you, then call your doctor because your medication has stopped working. And the blue chick isn’t even that pissed about it! She’s just sorta like “did you rape me last night?” and the dudes just like “yeah my bad” and she just shrugs and shows her boobs that have blue nipples for some reason. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that’s the exact opposite of feminism. Then the bad guy, an evil red half man- half hammerhead shark (half man- half hammerhead shark! How have you not bought this movie already?) shows up, and shit gets crazy…er.

And let’s not forget the CGI. The director uses CGI in Immortel like a pissed off monkey flings crap. Random characters are CGI- and not like gods or aliens or anything, just people. All the extras are CGI. Somehow, this movie’s producer couldn’t find enough actors to cast his movie without resorting to generating them out a computer. Do you know how impossible that is? Go outside right now and ask the first person you see if they want to act in your movie. They will say yes.

And the CGi is bad- really fucking bad. It looks like Shrek got Finding Nemo pregnant, but right before the delivery somebody jammed an eggbeater into the womb. This movie looks like George Lucas had an abortion. I could animate better characters on an N64. And they try to make it look less shitty by dressing the live action characters like their CGI so it looks like really lifelike animation. It’s an idea so blindingly retarded that it works for half the movie.

What really makes this movie awesome is that it takes every crazy idea that nerds thought up while masturbating to Linux in their parents’ basement but were never used because they made little to no sense, and uses the hell out of them. You want a future where people get around in cars hanging from a series of cables? Done. You want 15 minutes of a lady with electric hair eating live eels? Done. You want to see random characters explode for little to no reason? So fucking done. You want to see weird Asian prostitute lady? They have three. You want a main character with a magical robotic leg? They did that 20 minutes ago, and they’re a little hurt you even had to ask.

The whole movie is just a giant dogpile of gloriously stupid ideas. This is the ultimate geeky fantasy put onto film, the movie that they’ve been longing for. And you know what? It kinda justifies how shitty you guys were treated in high school.




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