Before Hilary Duff starting blowing hockey players in exchange for engagement rings, she was the celebrity apple of my eye. To say I was psychotically in love with her would be a sad understatement. I saw all her movies (up to Material Girls), owned her first CD (it was a gift, but it counts for my “being a creep” argument), and had her as my desktop background in high school. I liked her, is what I’m saying. This all had to do with the Disney Channel show Lizzie McGuire, which I contend is the last great Disney Channel show to have ever been produced.
 
Lizzie McGuire followed Hilary Duff a teenage girl (three guesses at her name) growing up and dealing with teenage issues alongside her two best friends Miranda (LaLaine, because she is Madonna and cool) and Gordo (Adam Lamberg). Through out the show, a cartoon version of her would talk to the audience and explain her inner thoughts, which amounted to cutsey phrases and wanting to look cute, as opposed to say, wanting to cut herself or how bad her period was this month. Lizzie’s biggest archrival was Kate Sanders (Ashlie Brillault), who used to be part of Lizzie’s group when they were younger but turned into a popular bitch after she grew boobs (despite Disney trying to push their message on me, I still contend that boobs are NOT evil). Lizzie also spends her time crushing on the stupid but OMGcute Ethan Craft (Clayton Snyder), who slowly just turns into a dumb guy they all are kind of friends with and bangs Kate off camera. Lizzie’s family also gives her trouble, from her dimwitted parents Sam (Robert “hey it’s that Revenge of the Nerds guy with the funny laugh!” Carradine) and Jo (Hallie Todd), to her little brother Matt (Jake Thomas), who tries to mess her shit up whenever he can because that’s what good little brothers do (and I know by experience!).

Lizzie McGuire presented the sugar coated version of adolescence that Disney loves to give its audience. Although growing up involves a lot of hardship, they aren’t really presented here, outside of a boy not liking you or having pain in the ass parents. There are no abortions, self mutilation, or drug use here (however, in my fan fic continuation of the show…well let’s just say Gordo enjoys tying off in the bathroom), so I’m sure the many kids getting excited to be in middle school were really upset to find out it’s not as fun and the girls weren’t as awesome as Lizzie.

Although sugarcoated, the show was actually pretty funny and inventive. Hilary Duff was straight up adorable as Lizzie, who clumsy and unsure of herself, but at the same time just so damn cheery and sunny. It’s like the girl you would want to win a teddy bear at a carnival for, the giant ones where you can’t see the person holding it and in your LSD state you think the world is being taken over by giant bears (that 5 year old is probably still bitter at me for that little mess up). As the main character, she definitely attracted an audience, both of girls who idolized and looked up to her and dudes like me who found shows like this funny and were creepily in love with the lead. The jokes were tame and kind of dumb, but they induced a lot of chuckles and Robert Carradine as Lizzie’s Dad was totally awesome. I also appreciated the occasional nod to whoever adult watched the show with their kids (my dad would just drink in a corner). For example, David Carradine pre-masturbation suicide showed up on an episode to teach Matt kung fu so he could become the sidekick to some Asian actor in a movie (don’t ask, it’s never explored). Sam came out to thank David and Matt asks how he knew him. Sam replies “he’s like a brother to me!” and smiles at the camera. For those who didn’t just put two and two together while it took me forever to explain it, they are real-life brothers. There was also a scene where Matt pretends to be the new kid at Lizzie’s school, despite being and looking 10 years old. Gordo, who hasn’t seen him yet, is exclaiming how cool this kid is because he was in a “Spielberg movie!”. Jake Thomas was in A.I. Artifical Intelligence, and to throw a joke in there like that was pretty excellent.

The acting was what you would expect from a Disney show, but leagues better than anyone on Hannah Montana (that means you guy who plays Miley’s older brother that is like 35! You suck/I salute you!). Hilary Duff only had two different faces: the one of nervousness where she sucked in her bottom lip and the “sad” face, which was pretty much the same thing. The adult actors, long veterans, did what they could and Jake Thomas was pretty good at the little annoying brother. Lord knows I wanted to punch him in the face (especially for making Hailey Joe Osmet-bot run away in A.I.!). Lalaine was okay and Lamberg played the cookie cutter best guy friend who totally wants to bang the main character because according to Disney, everyone is meant to be with their opposite sex best friend. Clayton Snyder sucked horribly as Ethan Craft, but that character sucked a whole and the Kate Sanders actress was forgettable.

The plots were paper thin and taught lessons to the audience. For example, I learned that even if I am good at twirling a ribbon (“rhythmic gymnastics”), if I don’t enjoy it, I shouldn’t do it. My coach was crushed, but you know, sometimes you just have to follow your heart. Eventually as the show went on, Lizzie began to date and the crush on Ethan Craft subsided for more legitimate dates. They included celebrities like Frankie Muniz and Aaron Carter, as well as her cute paperboy who breaks her heart. They also threw in the inevitable Lizzie/Gordo romance, which kept snowballing until the movie came out. By that time, LaLaine was already gone, and Kate and Ethan were factored in more. Disney Channel, at that time, also had a 65 episode limit for its TV shows and put the ax on Lizzie McGuire way before they should have. Although it was discussed for a bit to continue it on ABC, it was shelved and after the movie and last few episodes aired, that was the end of that.

Lizzie McGuire wasn’t Shakespeare, but nothing ever is (except for movies based on Shakespeare, plays that are written by Shakespeare, Shakespeare himself, etc.) and for a kid’s show, it was actually funny and taught some decent lessons. Plus, Lizzie McGuire as a character was just so cute and awesome you wanted her to succeed. It’s not in re-runs anymore, but DVD sets exist and I’ll pick them up once I come to terms with how creepy it’ll look and how it probably hasn’t aged well.

This ends my recap of Lizzie McGuire, stay tuned at the bottom for the first internet-wide viewing of my Lizzie McGuire Movie plot that I wrote when I was 15, as well as the TV show that would follow after.

Jon's Version of the Lizzie McGuire Movie

Alright, so it is summer before high school. Gordo has decided this is his chance to make a move on Lizzie, but he finds out that she and Miranda (who didn’t disappear in my world) is heading to the camp they used to go to as kids to be a counselor. Not wanting to lose the shot, he convinces Larry Tudgman (remember him? The ugly guy who ate his boogers?) to let him take his spot as counselor because camps let you do that without background checks. So he gets there to try to win Lizzie’s heart, but they run into Sebastian, a kid they used to know at the camp who went from being fat and weird to skinny and OMGcute. Lizzie is instantly smitten, as her animated alter ego would tell you. Gordo, being the idiot he is, helps them get together. As time goes on, Gordo flips and Sebastian somehow (I forget, I threw the paper away) finds out Gordo loves her. Being the nice (and based on me) guy he is, so cute and awesome and all, he decides to bow out and let Lizzie and Gordo get together. Lizzie and Gordo are summoned to the lake where they had kissed as little kids years ago (a plot I threw in) by Sebastian, because he is now playing the Gordo role from five seconds ago. Lizzie and Gordo talk, and he tells her how he feels. She is nervous, but they kiss and bam sparks fly. Lizzie and Gordo end their summer camp experience as a couple.

MEANWHILE, Miranda is counseling on a different part of the camp (apparently it’s a huge camp) and has to deal with Matt and his troublemaking ways. This wasn’t too fleshed out.

This leads right into the ABC show that never existed, which I had a few ideas for...

Jon's Lizzie McGuire ABC Show!

Okay, so high school starts and Lizzie and Gordo are officially together. Sebastian, it turns out, transfers in from wherever he’s from (let’s say Oregon for shits and giggles) to make the main group a four person thing. Sebastian and Miranda end up getting together and eventually Gordo and Lizzie break up. Gordo does a bunch of drugs, Lizzie ends up on a sex tape with Ethan Craft’s older brother (which he gets arrested for cause he’s 23 and she’s underage), Miranda and Sebastian have a bunch of sex, Matt becomes the Sean Cameron of the show and eventually bangs his blonde friend (to keep with the Disney tradition of course).

The final episode is half clip show, half new stuff as they all plan to go to college. They are all taking off on planes (amazing how they can get their departure times so close together), and Sebastian books it first to give the original three some time together. Montage, montage, Miranda leaves as Lizzie cries. Lizzie and Gordo (who went through rehab for heroin…and possibly his addiction to Gelato) share a moment and Gordo walks off. Animated Lizzie makes her return (she was cut out to make the show a bit more adult) to talk about life and how things have changed. She is cut off when Gordo runs back in and kisses her. Animated Lizzie says “well, I guess some things stay the same” and the show ends with them kissing, unsure of the future.

Yeah, your mind is blown.
 


Comments

01/05/2011 19:19

A lazy youth, a lousy age.

Reply
03/03/2011 00:56

Your blog is so great . I'd like to read the information about it, so how does it work? Do you want to know the MBT shoes ? MBT shoes on hot sale !

Reply
03/03/2011 18:42

When you meet a goal you worked hard for, take a moment to celebrate the achievement instead of immediately focusing on what you can, or should do next. Is it right?

Reply
03/07/2011 19:11

I'm just surprised to discover how significantly of facts I received on this specific topic. I m so incredibly thankful of you. One particular point I could assert that, after reading this article I became preserved from the whole ineffective search I ought to have completed on this particular matter. Your write-up is actually a authentic wonderful factor in disguise.

Reply
03/10/2011 18:50

Hello everyone. Interesting topic for a blog. I have been checking out many blogs and forums lately. Some are really informative some are entertaining and some are a real crack up. I must admit it, terrific job on this blog, I'll be sure to check back again real soon.

Reply
04/27/2011 01:21

It also involves a security of knowing that you have the love, trust, and support not only of family, but also of friends and associates as well. I think it is right.

Reply

Your blog is very beautiful, the style is very cool! See the things that I think is very interested in oh, thank you for sharing! I wish you good luck!

Reply

Your Blog is very good, I like it! Thank you for you sharing!Your blog is really helps for my search and i really like it.

Reply
06/20/2012 02:22

http://www.louisvuittonhandbagsoutlet.org/ Louis Vuitton Handbags
http://www.pradabagoutlets.org/ prada bags outlet
http://www.burberrybagoutlet.net/ burberry outlet
http://www.louisvuittonhandbagsoutlet.org/ Louis Vuitton Handbags Outlet
http://www.pradabagoutlets.org/ prada handbags outlet
http://www.burberrybagoutlet.net/ burberry bags
http://www.louisvuittonhandbagsoutlet.org/ Louis Vuitton purses
http://www.pradabagoutlets.org/ prada purses
http://www.burberrybagoutlet.net/ burberry bags outlet

Reply



Leave a Reply