Starring: Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane
Writer: Rob Zombie
Director: Rob Zombie

Didn't think Rob Zombie could screw up the Halloween franchise any more? Think again.

The Plot

Michael Myers returns to Haddonfield one year after he was presumed dead to finish off Laurie Strode once and for all. Plus, a random white horse sub-plot and a whole bunch of Sheri Moon Zombie.

The Review

The original Halloween, released in 1978, is still to this day one of the scariest movies I have ever seen. Just hearing the theme song gives me chills and on really late nights where I can't sleep, just hearing the haunting piano will scare me to the point of paranoia. It should also be noted that I am a total pussy. Regardless, beginning with that film, a franchise was born and Michael Myers became the definitive movie serial killer that spawned countless rip-offs (hello Jason Vorhees!), as well as a ton of sequels itself (some good, some Halloween 666). When you come down to it, Halloween is the one horror franchise worth watching and should have never been remade.

Hollywood does not understand this concept, and in 2007, Rob Zombie released his re imagining of Halloween onto the masses. To the purists, it was sacrilege as it gave the mysterious monster a legitimate backstory where he didn't need one and made Michael Myers out to be a victim of a bad upbringing rather than some crazy psychopath.

Two years later, the sequel has been released and once again, Rob Zombie pisses on the legacy of Halloween. It is not scary, filled with horrible dialogue and unbelievable characters, and features a ridiculously lame motivation: he sees visions of his mother and a white horse, begging him to kill Laurie and bring the family back together, once and for all. By, you know, killing the shit out of her.

I cannot stress how much I hated this movie. I loathed loathed LOATHED it. While I do consider myself a Halloween fanboy, if Zombie had done it justice, I would have been pleased. However, he doesn't do it anywhere near the justice to make up for anything. The teenagers, especially, in the film are some of the most unbelievable in the history of cinema. I do not know any who talk the way Laurie and her friends talk. None of them. I work in an environment filled with teens and while they talk like complete idiots, they never reach the level of stupidity in their conversations that Laurie and company does. It's distracting, inane, and frankly, I wanted to stab myself in the face repeatedly.

The plot itself...if you take away the white horse part (which is hard, since they mention/show it EVERY FIVE MINUTES), it works out nicely and plays off the events of the first movie pretty well, although you have to wonder how nuts you'd have to be to stay in the town WHERE ALL YOUR FRIENDS WERE MURDERED A YEAR AGO. To be honest, that'd be all the excuse I would need to move far far away.

The acting is absolutely horrible. Scout Taylor-Compton makes a very unbelievable teenager and while she works as a screamer, all she seems to do in the film is flail around say "fuck" a lot. Tyler Mane is okay as Michael Myers, but I had a big issue: when he kills someone, he grunts at every hit. Loudly. Now, I get that such physical exertion would probably cause some sort of vocal release, but it's so distracting that it becomes funny rather than gruesome. The dialogue is wretched (as said earlier), and...goddammit, it's all just bad.

If I were you, I would avoid this movie...unless you really like confusing plot twists and a helping of Sheri Moon Zombie. Rob it's okay, she'll love you if you don't put her in something.

Fellow old-school Halloween fans: I feel your pain.



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