WARNING: Massive swearing going on here, but considering who he's talking about, you shouldn't be surprised.

Dan Ludwig is a lowly college kid plugging away at Temple. He is a film nerd who, as you'll read, doesn't exactly enjoy the work of certain directors in Hollywood. Read his random musings at his blog Reasons I'm Not Allowed to Babysit.
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Alright America, this is an intervention. Well, I guess it’s not really an intervention, in that instead of being all your friends and family, I’m just one dude that you don’t really know. And also if at any time you get even mildly uncomfortable you could easily stop reading this. Plus, I don’t really give a shit about your drinking problem. So really, it’s more like someone screaming at you over the phone; but holyshit am I screaming into that phone America, you don’t even know. Do you know what I’m screaming about?  Transformers 2 made 379.2 million dollars. The other Transformers movie made a similar amount (I’m too lazy to look up the exact number, but I’m pretty sure it would make me want to cut myself).  And you know what? Every single Michael Bay film to come out recently has shown the same trend. This is unacceptable. 379.2 Million; that’s more money than you and everybody you’ll ever meet will earn in their lifetimes put together, and you just gave it to a man who figured out how to press an abortion into film. Here’s a comprehensive guide on why you’re a fucking idiot for seeing these movies.

1. This is the first step on the end of film as we know it.

Have you ever seen “Idiocracy”, that Mike Judge movie starring Luke Wilson (the non-suicidal one who can actually change the tone of his voice)? You haven’t? You should see it-no you don’t need to rent it, just, like, wait until it comes on Comedy Central again. They show it all the time. Anyway, when you do see it, you’ll notice a scene of a packed movie theater all laughing hilariously at a movie that is just a picture of some dude's ass. Thanks to Michael Bay, that day is fast approaching.

See by proving that people can tolerate a severely retarded plot as long as shit blows up really pretty-like, Bay ensured that studios are going to bombard us with an array of bright colors and big explosions explained by a plot that sounds like it was written by a 4rth grader tweaking on meth. Don’t believe me? GI Joe came out recently, and what should have been a slam dunk mediocre-to-good Die Hard esque military film was essentially “Diet Transformers”.  They didn’t even fucking try (accelerator suits, really? I don’t even fucking like GI Joe and I’m pissed about that one) and they made a shit-ton of cash. And the trend is going to continue. GI Joe is going to get a nice, fat sequel, and after Transformers is finished shitting out a threequel, they probably get a few prequels to really rake in the cash, maybe even a spin-off (Shia Lebouff and Megatron open a Detective Agency together!). And GI Joe is going to start getting imitators, and they’re going to make an assload of money and get nice sequels, and the cycle is going to keep repeating itself until we get a movie that is just a robot t-bagging an explosion for ninety minutes while Lincoln Park plays in the background.



2.    Michael Bay is a huge, huge jackoff.

Literally, there is no one in Hollywood who deserves success less than Michael Bay. Uwe Boll may make shitty movies, but he at least seems like a nice guy. Not only does Bay crank out shit, but he’s a dick about it. Have you ever listened to the DVD commentary on Transformers? It’s an hour and a half of various grunt, growls and slurping noises. Do you know what that is? It’s Michael Bay sucking himself off. And once you start it, the DVD makes sure that you listen the whole way through. It even pauses when you leave the room, just so that you don’t miss the part where Michael Bay calls out his own name in pleasure. He’s that much of a self satisfied douchebag.

The man contributes absolutely nothing to film. “Armageddon?” That was a fluke, only due the fact that he managed to get the most likeable cast ever to work on it. He also gave us Bad Boys 2 and Pearl Harbor, which was so bad that it almost retroactively lost us WW2. And yet the man makes more money than King Leopold II (he was the King of Belgium during- y’know what, just Google it or some shit).

Don’t believe me? Half the actors Bay works with have come out to talk about what a horrible experience working with him is. Hell, even Bruce Willis has gone on record to say how much it sucked working with him on Armageddon. Bruce Willis. The man eats divorce for breakfast and shrugs off a bullet wound at least three times a day, but if you even mention the idea of him doing another movie with Bay, he goes fetal and begins softly chanting “never again” to himself.

Do you know what he’s doing with all his fame and success? He’s ruining Horror. First he had his way with Friday the 13, which proudly asserted that all women ever are sluts and every guy in the world is fucking retarded. Next, he’s overseeing the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street. Do you have any idea how horrible that’s going to be? He’s going to remake Freddy Krueger into a fucking tween who makes jokes about smoking weed and jacking off. All I can say is he better stay the hell away from the “The Thing” or there will be consequences.




3.    His movies are Racist.

Not racist like how your grandfather thinks that h can catch black people in lobster traps, but more like in that the person who creates his characters has clearly never actually seen, let alone talked to, a person of color. First came Bad Boys 2. I haven’t seen that one, but it featured Martin Lawrence, who sets black people back thirty years every time he talks, so I can pretty much assume it did some pretty significant damage.

Next was Transformers which, being a movie about giant robots, it really shouldn’t be possible to make racist, right? I’m mean, that’s like if Wall-E was anti-somatic- it doesn’t really seem possible (and believe me, Disney tried). But lo and behold, Michael Bay unveiled the abomination that is “Jazz”, the “Black” Autobot.  How do you know he’s black? Well, he break dances when he transforms, talks like a pimp from a seventies Blaxpoitation film, and has a self professed love of “urban culture”.  Jesus Christ, the only way that could get worse is if they killed him off first, following the typical “black guy in movies trend”. Oh wait, they did that, and surprise, made him go out spouting more of Bays trademark “I roll up my car windows whenever is see a black person on the street” Jive talk! Seriously, the only way he could treat the character worse is if he gave him a little buddy that transforms into a bucket of fried chicken.




4.    He’s ruining action porn.

Don’t go thinking that just because I hate Transformers, that makes me some kind of snob. I love dumb action movies. Die Hard 4? Awesome action porn movie, so was underworld 2. And Asia’s perfected stupid action movies to the point where they don’t even need plots any more. Transformers is a shitty dumb action movie. See, in most movies of the sort, you follow around character or characters who kick ass and watch them do just that. In Transformers, the giant killbots get two fucking lines and have to compete with John Turturro for screen time. Instead, we follow around Sam and watch him try to get laid. Hey look, two robots are going to fight it out to the death! Are we going to, you know, watch that? Nope, the camera follows Shia Lebouff as he runs the fuck away and continues awkwardly hitting on Megan Fox. How is that entertaining?

I’m watching Transformers! Just show me robots fighting! I don’t need some shitty conspiracy theory plot you cooked up after jerking off to Independence Day, and I sure as hell don’t want to see some half assed love story between two of the blandest characters ever.




5.    He’s undoing everything awesome that came from The Dark Knight.

The Dark Knight was awesome- this is a fact. What you maybe didn’t realize was the effect it had on Hollywood. See, before Nolan came along, if you made a movie like that, it had to be all campy and self referential. The filmmaker had to essentially be embarrassed of the source material and turn it into a flashy, watered down crap. When The Dark Knight made a shitload of money and got serious Oscar nomination, it proved to Hollywood that if you take the source material seriously, you can get the best of both worlds. As a result, we got Watchmen- and it was actually true to the book, and oh, did the nerds rejoice. Too bad nobody else saw it, and it failed to make back all the money that went into filming it. Instead everybody went to see Transformers 2, proving to the execs that they actually don’t have to start making good movies- they can just continue churning out shit and get even bigger cocaine piles!

Do you realize what we’re throwing away by giving this man money? Nolan gave us a chance to have our childhood heroes made into good movies, ones that you didn’t have to be ashamed of liking. They could be portrayed with all the depth and coolness that we remembered them having, and if the trend continued, we could even someday see a superhero movie winning an Oscar. But instead we chose Michael Bay, and as a result, when Captain America comes out, he’s going to be played by the Goddamn Rock. Hope your proud of yourselves.
Dave Oh-no
2/5/2010 04:29:27 am

But but but Jazz talked like a pimp in the original Transformers cartoon!

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film maker
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Good read, but I'm doubtful that he's racist, I can understand what you say but too many people think anything's racist today. That Transformers character is not his own.

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harry a. hole
6/16/2011 01:53:49 am

Armageddon was one of the biggest POS i have ever seen. i'd sit through transformers 10x before i'd watch Armageddon again. oh, and they should call the next bruce willis circle jerk "Die Hard 5: Just Fucking Die Already!".

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Jim
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As much as I hate Michael Bay... and as much as I hated Transformer's 2...

I still liked it better than Watchman. That movie was a steaming pile of crap.

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just some dide
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you know that i agree Bay is a douchebag but i just want to make it clear that he doesnt get ALL the money from transformers that is what pays the cast and crew

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David
9/9/2013 08:01:40 am

How about "he's douchebag, because he's a fuckin' pedo who cast a 15-year-old Megan (not-that-anyone-gives-a-fuck-about-her-thespian-chops-but-that-she-was-fuckin'-fifteen-years-old) Fox, to shake her 15-year-old bikini-clad ass in a movie of his!" Put the mutha-fucka in jail, not give him silent-treatment status! AND PLEASE PUT AN END TO THE RIVER OF SHITTY MOVIES HE MAKES! He is the enemy of art!!!

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